MUST XE-TV
Dungsmoke
TEASER
FADE
IN:
EXT.
BARREN HILLTOP, OVERLOOKING A TOWN SET IN A WIDE FLAT PLAIN – VERY LATE
AFTERNOON
The
sun is setting to the west of the town.
It’s chilly on the hilltop, but a colder wind rises from the plain
below. Wavy ripples of smoke rise from
each building in town, wafting towards the two observers on the hill. Xena and Gabrielle are wrapped in long
leather coats as they sit atop their horses.
Xena’s is black leather and Gabrielle’s is a fluffy tan fur coat.
Xena
shifts in her saddle and points toward the town.
XENA
That’s the end of the trail,
Gabrielle. Odorem.
GABRIELLE
Strange name for a town.
Xena
smirks.
XENA
Oh, I don’t know.
It kinda fits the place.
Gabrielle
looks quizzically at Xena, but gets no response.
GABRIELLE
Well, the sooner we get there,
the sooner
we’ll find out what the
emergency is all about.
(beat)
You know, Xe, it’s hard to
believe that
Arman and Amarice actually got
married.
Gab
smiles at the thought of seeing the two of them once more. Xena just shakes her head in disbelief.
XENA
What’s harder to believe is
that Arman is
the town’s Marshall and Amarice
runs the local Inn.
Gabrielle
reaches over and gives Xena a mild poke on her upper arm.
GABRIELLE
Now Xe…be nice!
(beat)
I’m just wondering what the
emergency is.
XENA
Hey, I’m always nice! Right
Argo?
Argo
nods her head vigorously and turns to look at Gabrielle. As they leave the barren hilltop, the wind
picks up.
GABRIELLE
Well, maybe to you and me Argo,
although I’m not sure if I’d
agree with
the ‘always’ part for most
anyone else.
Argo
knickers at the comment as if in agreement causing both women to laugh. The horse shakes her head from side to side,
then huffs and snorts as she starts prancing backwards when a wisp of smoke
floats up toward them.
XENA
Easy girl, easy.
Xena
reaches down and strokes the golden mare’s main.
GABRIELLE
Eeeuuwww! What on earth is that smell?
Gab
fans the air in front of her with one hand while she holds her nose with the
other. She looks suspiciously at Xena
then at Argo’s rump.
XENA
Better get used to it, my Bard.
We did promise to help
Arman and Amarice.
Gabrielle
looks at the town then back at Xena in horror.
GABRIELLE
You mean that…that smell…
is coming from the town?
Xena gives
Gab a lopsided grin and winks at her.
XENA
Now you know why the name fits.
Xena
nudges Argo into a trot before Gabrielle can protest.
GABRIELLE
Great! Just great!
Gabrielle
spurs her horse into a gallop, catching up with Xena at the town’s gate.
FADE TO:
EXT.
DUSTY TOWN MAIN STREET – VERY LATE AFTERNOON
Townsfolk
scurry down the wind whipped street as Xena and Gabrielle ride down the middle
of it.
Xena
points to a building with a sheepskin, head and legs included, stretched across
the top of the doorway. One of the
sheep’s legs is loose and holding an ale mug.
The gusting wind is comically making it appear as if the sheep is
drinking from the mug.
XENA
Gotta be Amarice’s place.
Gabrielle
looks up and down the main street and nods in agreement.
GABRIELLE
Well, it looks like it’s
the only Inn in town.
They
dismount and walk their horses over to the hitching post in front of the
building. As they step toward the Inn,
the swinging half doors burst open as a MAN is thrown through them. The ejected person hits the ground and rolls
right into Xena’s legs, face down. Xena
kicks the semi-conscious man over and recognizes him. Gabrielle gasps and hurries over.
GABRIELLE
Autolocus!
Just
then, a big burly woman comes out
of the Inn and stops, taking in the scene.
She snarls at Gabrielle and moves forward with the intention of
continuing her pounding of Autolocus.
BIG WOMAN
Git yer hands off him!
That piece of meat is mine!
As the
woman reaches down to grab Gabrielle, she’s stopped cold as Xena grabs her
shirt from behind and yanks her backward.
Hissing in the woman’s ear, Xena snarls.
XENA
Not anymore he’s not.
The
woman turns and begins to swing a clenched right fist toward Xena, but is
stopped as Xena catches the fist with her left hand and begins to bend it
backward. The woman tries to push back
but is outmatched and starts grimacing as the pain intensifies.
GABRIELLE
If you’re smart,
you’ll know when to quit.
BIG WOMAN
Arrgghh, he’s more
trouble than he’s worth!
She
pulls back, shaking her hand out after Xena releases her grip. She looks Xena up and down, and then looks at
Gabrielle who is cradling Autolocus’ head in her lap, then back up at Xena.
BIG WOMAN
(Cont’d)
Let me know if you
want to dump the blonde.
As the
woman stomps off, Xena and Gabrielle shake their heads in disgust. Xena takes the water skin off Argo’s saddle
and hands it to Gabrielle. Gab gives
Autolocus a small dousing of water to wake him up then offers him a drink. He blinks, focusing finally on the two women.
AUTOLOCUS
Gab? Xena?
XENA
Well, at least she didn’t
mess up his memory.
GABRIELLE
Autolocus, what on earth were
you doing with that woman?
Autolocus
slowly sits up and assesses himself, groaning as he moves slowly to stand.
AUTOLOCUS
I wasn’t doing anything…
Xena
and Gabrielle look at each other and roll their eyes.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
No…really! I was just sitting in
there and having a mug of ale.
He
dusts himself off and grins wide.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
Guess she took a liking to me.
XENA & GABRIELLE
Oh, boy!
XENA
(Cont’d)
C’mon, let’s go inside and
find out the whole story.
CUT
TO:
INTERIOR
OF INN – EARLY EVENING
It’s
very crowded and loud with a lot of jostling and shoving going on. Xena, Gabrielle and Autolocus are sitting at
a table in the back corner. Xena is
surveying the rowdy behavior and the frantic actions of the petite bar keeper
as she tries to keep the customers happy and realizes that many of the
customers are not what one would expect in a sheep herding town.
GABRIELLE
I thought Amarice owned this
place.
One of
the young girls helping the bar keeper sets a round of mugs down at their table
and responds to Gabrielle’s comment.
YOUNG GIRL:
She does…but, she’s…
The
young girl looks up toward the sleeping rooms and Gabrielle becomes alarmed.
GABRIELLE
What? Is she all right?
Gab
stands quickly ready to head up the flight of stairs. The young girl puts her arm out and touches
Gabrielle’s arm.
YOUNG GIRL
Oh, she’s fine…she’s just…well
having
a tough time right now. That little baby
she’s carrying has been giving her a rough
time!
Gabrielle,
Xena and Autolocus look at the young girl in surprise, then at each other.
GABRIELLE
Baby? She’s going to have a baby?
Her note didn’t say anything
about a baby!
Gabrielle
looks at Xena who just shrugs. Xena
turns her attention to the young girl, reaching up and grabbing a bottle that
comes whizzing through the air. With a
nonchalant motion, Xena sets the bottle down on the table.
XENA
Crowd’s getting a little
rough. I thought Arman
is the Marshall here. Where is he anyway?
YOUNG GIRL
Oh, he got called out to
Cirrus’ place.
Someone’s been stealing the
sheep herder’s chips.
Autolocus
perks up at the sound of the theft. He’d
heard rumors from lesser thieves that there was a shit load of chips to be had
in this town but he was just beginning to realize the meaning of their words
and that they weren’t referring to dinar chips.
Cautiously he asks…
AUTOLUCUS
Chips? What kind of chips?
YOUNG GIRL
Sheep chips. You know…dried sheep dung?
Gabrielle
and Autolocus both make faces of disgust while Xena raises an eyebrow and nods
in affirmation as the young girl heads back to the bar.
AUTOLOCUS
Why would anyone want to steal
sheep dung?
XENA
It’s a very valuable commodity
in these parts.
And winter’s coming. There’s very little in
the way of firewood around
here, so the locals burn…
Gabrielle
begins to see the picture as she gets another whiff of the foul odor that
permeates the town.
GABRIELLE
That smelly smoke…that’s…
Xena
smiles as she sees the light dawn in Gabrielle’s eyes.
XENA
Yep…dungsmoke!
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
INT.
SLEEPING ROOM – EARLY EVENING
Amarice
is on the bed moaning. The other person in the room is by the
fireplace setting a cauldron of water to boil.
A loud
knock on the door makes Amarice growl.
AMARICE
Go away!
OTHER PERSON
Now, Amarice…just relax
The
OTHER PERSON turns away from the fire and walks to the door, opening it to see
Xena and Gabrielle standing there.
XENA
Talia!
Xena
grabs the woman and gives her a hug.
Gabrielle moves in and hugs her also.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Arman must really need
help if he called you in too.
TALIA
Oh, no…not me! I’ve hung up my
sword and taken up my mother’s
work.
Talia
ushers them into the room, closing the door behind her.
GABRIELLE
You’re a mid-wife now?
TALIA
Yes! And believe me…it’s much
more fun bringing life into the
world then sending it out!
Talia
looks at Xena and winks.
TALIA
(cont’d)
Safer too!
Gabrielle
moves to the bed and sits on it, taking one hand to move wet strands of
Amarice’s hair out of her eyes.
GABRIELLE
Hey. Baby’s giving you a tough time I hear.
Amarice
stiffens and forces a smile.
AMARICE
No…I’m fine! I’m strong ya know.
Just
then another wave of pain hits and Amarice goes white with it. Gabrielle steps aside to give Talia
access. Talia rushes to her side and
places her hand on Amarice’s stomach, feeling the fierce kick of the baby
inside.
TALIA
Ouch! That’s gotta hurt.
XENA
When’s she due?
TALIA
Not for a while yet….but that
little
guy in there really wants out.
Gritting
her teeth, Amarice reaches up and grabs the collar of Talia’s tunic, twisting
it tightly and choking her.
Xena
smirks and looks at Talia with a mischievous grin.
XENA
Safer, huh?
AMARICE
How many times do I have to
tell you…that’s a girl in
there!
TALIA
Well, like I said…bringing life
in is
better…but there are some
drawbacks.
Talia
gently reaches up and removes Amarice’s fingers from her clothing.
XENA
So, why the bed rest?
TALIA
Amarice had a little…accident.
Seems she tried to break up a
fight downstairs
and got tossed over a table or
two.
She started having early contractions,
but my mother taught me a
little
trick with ale so we got them
stopped.
At least for the time being.
XENA
Ah, that explains it…and the
pain.
Messed her back up, huh?
TALIA
Yep, and I just can’t get her
to
relax enough to ease the
spasms.
Xena
moves Amarice onto her side and jabs at two pressure points along her spine
providing instant relief.
XENA
That’ll help for a while, but
once the
time comes, I’ll have to take it off.
TALIA
Now that’s a nice trick I’d
like to learn.
Xena
and Talia walk over to the fireplace with Xena showing Talia how to hold her
fingers and points out where to touch.
As they carry on their conversation, Gabrielle moves back to the bed.
GABRIELLE
So…you’re going to be a mom
now.
AMARICE
Yeah, guess it’s too late to
change my mind.
Gabrielle
grins and strokes Amarice’s shoulder.
GABRIELLE
Well, I’m sure you’re going to
be a fine mother.
Amarice
looks up at Gab and nods.
AMARICE
Well, if this kid turns out
anything like me,
I’m going to need a lot of
help!
Amarice
becomes a bit more serious.
AMARICE
Gabrielle, Arman and I really
need
Xena and you to give us a hand right now.
GABRIELLE
That’s why we’re here.
Just tell us what you need done.
FADE TO:
INT.
OF THE INN - EVENING
Focus
is on a stern look on Gabrielle’s face at first then pans out to see her coming
down the stairs wearing a fur covered leather outfit, trimmed in feathers. The rowdy crowd looks up as she descends to a
series of cat calls and whistling. Xena
is on the balcony watching Gabrielle descend, a watchful eye on the crowd.
Gabrielle
pulls and tugs on the form fitting outfit that Amarice insisted she wear,
mumbling under her breath as she descends.
GABRIELLE
At least it’s not made out of
sheepskin.
As
Gabrielle reaches the bottom of the stairs a DRUNKEN MAN approaches. Xena stiffens, but Gabrielle looks up and
gives her a wait and see signal.
DRUNKEN MAN
Now, that’s a really fine
outfit you got on there,
but what’s with all them feathers?
He
begins to reach for the feathers around the neckline, but is stopped as
Gabrielle reaches up and slaps an iron grip on his wrist. She turns to the room eliciting more whistles
and cat calls. Clearing her throat, she
begins.
GABRIELLE
My name is Gabrielle and I’m
here
to help my friend Amarice who
needs
some quiet and rest.
(beat)
And, I intend to make sure she
has it.
DRUNKEN MAN
You look more like a kitty
that ate some poor bird!
The
crowd laughs and Gabrielle turns up the pressure on the wrist she is still
holding. He grimaces and falls to his
knees.
DRUNKEN MAN
(Cont’d)
Okay…okay…Miss Kitty…anything you
say.
He
pauses, looking up at Gabrielle who frowns at the name given her. Xena can be heard chuckling on the
balcony. Gab releases the drunk and
steps up on a bench.
GABRIELLE
All right, listen up! There’ll be no more
brawling or rowdy behavior in
here.
A large MAN with one eye and a long scar
down his right cheek enters and stops just inside the door. He did not see Gabrielle take care of the
drunken man.
LARGE MAN AT DOOR
Or what?
Xena
comes down the stairs now wearing long leather pants, a purple tunic with a
leather vest over it, with a Marshall’s metal insignia displayed on the
vest. She’s exchanged her long sword and
scabbard for a shorter sword neatly slung on her hip opposite her chakram.
XENA
Or…you’ll make me angry and
you don’t want to see me angry.
Xena
walks over to the MAN, hiking up an eyebrow she pins him with a stare and curls
her lip in a lop sided snarl.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Got a problem with that?
Autolocus
moves across the room to where Gabrielle is standing. His smiles wide as he assess Gab’s outfit and
leans in to whisper.
AUTOLOCUS
Hmm, I think ‘Miss Kitty’ fits
you…
Gabrielle
narrows her eyes and stares back at him, causing him to straighten back up.
AUTOLOCUS
(Cont’d)
…Or, not. (beat)
Umm, how about I give
you a hand here while Xena
helps out Arman?
Gabrielle
nods and motions for him to slip behind the bar to give the young girl a hand
filling ale mugs. Gabrielle watches as
the MAN at the door appraises Xena, finally focusing on the badge on her vest. The entire room has gone silent watching them
also.
XENA
So, ya gonna behave while
you’re here?
MAN
I’ll behave any way I
want. It takes more
than a woman wearing a badge to
scare me.
He
reaches out to push Xena aside, but she stands firm, grabbing his hands as they
push against her shoulders. While
holding on, Xena pushes back and ejects the man from the Inn, releasing him as
he stumbles through the door and falls backward onto the hard dirt of the
street. She follows him out the door and
stands on the boardwalk, looking down at him, hands on her hips. The rest of the Inn, follows her outside, or
watches through the windows.
XENA
Then I guess you won’t be
coming in.
The
man gets up slowly, grabbing handfuls of dirt as he rises. He flings the dirt at Xena who instinctively
shuts her eyes so she doesn’t see him rushing her. Her hearing though, picks up his movement and
she reacts by doing a turning flip over him as he dives toward her. Landing behind him, she kicks him in the butt
as he dives grabbing the air where she was.
He lands hard on the boardwalk, sliding into the door frame. A loud crack is heard as his head hits the
jamb. At first he looks as though he’s
going to get up, then falls face first onto the floor boards. Xena dusts off her hands and looks at the
crowd.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Anyone else thinking of
misbehaving?
A wave
of heads shaking causes Xena to smile.
She points to two of the men closest to the unconscious man.
XENA
(Cont’d)
You two take him to the
jail and lock him up.
The
sound of a horse galloping up to the Inn has her turn quickly around ready for
more action, but she relaxes as she sees Arman pull his horse up and
dismount. Arman watches as the two men
drag the man off toward the jail then joins Xena on the boardwalk. He has a serious look on his face.
ARMAN
Darius isn’t going to like that
you’re putting Marius in jail.
XENA
Marius, eh? So, that’s his name.
Who’s Darius?
ARMAN
His brother. He’s twice as big and twice as mean.
And my bet is they’re the ones behind
the thefts.
XENA
Then he’ll fall twice as hard.
Arman
looks at Xena and smiles. Glad to see her, he steps up and they embrace in a
hug.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Well, then I guess you should
fill me in.
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
INT. JAILHOUSE
- EVENING
The
front area is small with a table, two chairs, a rack of swords on the wall, and
a roundish fireplace (similar to a modern day southwestern chimnea with the
smoke stack extending through the roof) in the middle of the room. The fireplace separates the front of the jail
from the cell in the back. Marius is
lying on a cot in the one and only cell, still unconscious. Outside night is falling and the temperature
is dropping.
Arman
is tossing several dung chips into the small fireplace as Xena examines it,
walking around it and appreciating the radiating heat it produces.
XENA
Nice. I can’t say I’ve ever seen
anything with this design
before.
ARMAN
Thanks. I designed it myself.
It puts out a lot of heat with
just a little dung and the chimney
takes the fumes out along with the smoke.
XENA
Well, if you get tired of
keeping the peace,
you could probably do well with
this.
Arman
shrugs and then pulls out a chair and sits down. Xena joins him sitting in the other chair.
XENA
(Cont’d)
So, what’s the story Arman?
He
sighs and looks into the cell in the back, noting that Marius is still out
cold.
ARMAN
It’s been a really good
summer.
We had a bumper crop of lambs
this year,
good wool sales, and plenty of
dinars
made their way into the
herder’s pockets.
Then, as the weather started to
get colder,
the herders started to pile up
the dung for the winter.
Just as soon as they’d get a
decent pile together,
it would disappear before they
could haul it back
to their homes. Xena, these people rely on
that dung to get through the cold winter in
these parts.
And this year the Oracle said it’s going to be
a very bad winter.
This is normally a very
peaceful place.
But with all the thefts, people
are blaming
each other and getting into
fights.
Just the slightest thing sets
them off.
Xena
nods her head having seen the rowdiness first hand at the Inn and also knowing
that it was already too cold for this time of year.
XENA
So, you think that these
brothers, Marius and
Darius are the ones behind the dung rustling?
Arman
nods in agreement.
ARMAN
I don’t have anything solid to
accuse them.
It’s just a feeling I
have.
They’re the only herders’ who
haven’t
complained about their dung
being stolen.
XENA
Not too smart on their count.
They both
turn their heads as they hear Marius begin to waken.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Let’s see if we can get to the
bottom of this.
Xena
stands and picks up the key for the jail lock.
Arman follows her as she opens the jail door and leans over the groggy
man. As he blinks his eyes open, she
jabs him in the throat.
XENA
(Cont’d)
I’ve just cut off the flow of
blood to your brain.
You have thirty seconds to tell
me what
I want to know or you’ll
die.
(pauses for effect)
Now, who’s stealing all the
sheep dung?
MARIUS
(gasping)
I…I don’t know.
Xena
shakes her head.
XENA
Do you understand that unless
you
tell me what I want to know,
you’re gonna die in … 20
seconds?
Marius
nods, partially sits up and quietly gasps out.
MARIUS
I … don’t … know.
ARMAN
Is it Darius?
Are you afraid of him?
Marius’
eyes widen then he shakes his head slowly.
Xena jabs his throat to release the pinch, then shoves him back on the
cot and stands. They exit the cell and
relock the door.
XENA
Well, either he doesn’t know,
or he’s not afraid to die.
ARMAN
If Darius was my brother,
I wouldn’t tell on him
either.
Your pinch would be an easy
death
compared to what he’d do to
him.
XENA
Well, it looks like we’ll have
to go out
there and check out this
Darius.
Let’s get some dinner over at
the
Inn while we wait for it to get
darker.
CUT
TO:
INT.
OF THE INN - EVENING
The
patrons are fairly quiet as Xena and Arman enter. Autolocus is behind the bar and Gabrielle is
leaning against the bar fanning dungsmoke away from her face with an improvised
fan of feather quills.
Xena
approaches the bar and leans over to whisper in Gabrielle’s ear.
XENA
Why hello there, Miss Kitty…
Gabrielle
smacks the warrior with the handful of quills she’s been using to fan the
smoke.
GABRIELLE
Xena, this smell is really
awful.
How can these people stand it?
XENA
Necessity, Gabrielle. They probably
don’t even notice it anymore.
ARMAN
That’s right, Gabrielle.
You get used to it after a
while.
GABRIELLE
Well, it’s about to turn my
guts inside out.
Looking
up at Xena she pleads with her eyes.
GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Isn’t there something you can
do
to block the smell? Some pinch or something?
Like the sea sick thing I do on
my wrists?
Xena
sighs and places her hands along the bridge of Gabrielle’s nose, sliding her
thumbs down beneath her eyes and along the sinuses. She repeats the motion three times, each time
just a little slower.
XENA
There. Is that better?
Gabrielle
inhales deeply then smiles at Xena.
GABRIELLE
Wow…that worked. Thanks.
Arman
notices Talia coming down the stairs and he rushes over to her.
ARMAN
How’s Amarice? Has the baby come yet?
TALIA
Not yet, Arman…but soon, I’m
sure.
ARMAN
How’s the pain? Has it stopped?
Talia
looks over at Xena and smiles.
TALIA
Well, you can thank your deputy
on that one.
She used one of her ‘many
skills’ to stop it.
Arman
looks at Xena and nods.
ARMAN
Thanks, Xena. I owe you one.
XENA
Only one?
Arman
looks back at Talia, anxiously.
ARMAN
Is it okay to go see her?
I mean she was a bit…
XENA
Cranky?
TALIA
She just fell asleep, but you
can go on up
without worrying about having
your head ripped off!
Arman
bounds up the stairs and the rest settle at the table near the stairs. Xena fills them in on their questioning of
Marius which has left them without suspects in the thefts. They plan on
checking out their barn later tonight to just to verify Marius’ story.
AUTOLOCUS
Well, in my experience, you
have to look
at who would gain the most from the
thefts.
And, since the items being stolen
are not
necessarily something the thief
wants
to keep for himself, you have
to look at
who is willing to buy the
stolen chips.
Gabrielle
looks around the room and shakes her head.
GABRIELLE
Well, just about anyone in this
room
would fit the bill on
that.
Winter is just around the
corner and
they’re all going to need the
chips for heating.
XENA
Talia, you’ve been here longer
than we have.
Who do you think would be the buyer?
TALIA
Gabrielle’s right.
Just about everyone in this
room…
or in this town for that
matter, would be
willing to buy the chips to
make sure they
have enough for the winter.
XENA
Okay, we’re looking at the
obvious here.
Maybe we need to think outside
of the coliseum.
What else can sheep dung be used for?
GABRIELLE, AUTOLOCUS, TALIA
Fertilizer!
XENA
Right! But, there’s not much farming