MUST XE-TV
Dungsmoke
TEASER
FADE
IN:
EXT.
BARREN HILLTOP, OVERLOOKING A TOWN SET IN A WIDE FLAT PLAIN – VERY LATE
AFTERNOON
The
sun is setting to the west of the town.
It’s chilly on the hilltop, but a colder wind rises from the plain
below. Wavy ripples of smoke rise from
each building in town, wafting towards the two observers on the hill. Xena and Gabrielle are wrapped in long
leather coats as they sit atop their horses.
Xena’s is black leather and Gabrielle’s is a fluffy tan fur coat.
Xena
shifts in her saddle and points toward the town.
XENA
That’s the end of the trail,
Gabrielle. Odorem.
GABRIELLE
Strange name for a town.
Xena
smirks.
XENA
Oh, I don’t know.
It kinda fits the place.
Gabrielle
looks quizzically at Xena, but gets no response.
GABRIELLE
Well, the sooner we get there,
the sooner
we’ll find out what the
emergency is all about.
(beat)
You know, Xe, it’s hard to
believe that
Arman and Amarice actually got
married.
Gab
smiles at the thought of seeing the two of them once more. Xena just shakes her head in disbelief.
XENA
What’s harder to believe is
that Arman is
the town’s Marshall and Amarice
runs the local Inn.
Gabrielle
reaches over and gives Xena a mild poke on her upper arm.
GABRIELLE
Now Xe…be nice!
(beat)
I’m just wondering what the
emergency is.
XENA
Hey, I’m always nice! Right
Argo?
Argo
nods her head vigorously and turns to look at Gabrielle. As they leave the barren hilltop, the wind
picks up.
GABRIELLE
Well, maybe to you and me Argo,
although I’m not sure if I’d
agree with
the ‘always’ part for most
anyone else.
Argo
knickers at the comment as if in agreement causing both women to laugh. The horse shakes her head from side to side,
then huffs and snorts as she starts prancing backwards when a wisp of smoke
floats up toward them.
XENA
Easy girl, easy.
Xena
reaches down and strokes the golden mare’s main.
GABRIELLE
Eeeuuwww! What on earth is that smell?
Gab
fans the air in front of her with one hand while she holds her nose with the
other. She looks suspiciously at Xena
then at Argo’s rump.
XENA
Better get used to it, my Bard.
We did promise to help
Arman and Amarice.
Gabrielle
looks at the town then back at Xena in horror.
GABRIELLE
You mean that…that smell…
is coming from the town?
Xena gives
Gab a lopsided grin and winks at her.
XENA
Now you know why the name fits.
Xena
nudges Argo into a trot before Gabrielle can protest.
GABRIELLE
Great! Just great!
Gabrielle
spurs her horse into a gallop, catching up with Xena at the town’s gate.
FADE TO:
EXT.
DUSTY TOWN MAIN STREET – VERY LATE AFTERNOON
Townsfolk
scurry down the wind whipped street as Xena and Gabrielle ride down the middle
of it.
Xena
points to a building with a sheepskin, head and legs included, stretched across
the top of the doorway. One of the
sheep’s legs is loose and holding an ale mug.
The gusting wind is comically making it appear as if the sheep is
drinking from the mug.
XENA
Gotta be Amarice’s place.
Gabrielle
looks up and down the main street and nods in agreement.
GABRIELLE
Well, it looks like it’s
the only Inn in town.
They
dismount and walk their horses over to the hitching post in front of the
building. As they step toward the Inn,
the swinging half doors burst open as a MAN is thrown through them. The ejected person hits the ground and rolls
right into Xena’s legs, face down. Xena
kicks the semi-conscious man over and recognizes him. Gabrielle gasps and hurries over.
GABRIELLE
Autolocus!
Just
then, a big burly woman comes out
of the Inn and stops, taking in the scene.
She snarls at Gabrielle and moves forward with the intention of
continuing her pounding of Autolocus.
BIG WOMAN
Git yer hands off him!
That piece of meat is mine!
As the
woman reaches down to grab Gabrielle, she’s stopped cold as Xena grabs her
shirt from behind and yanks her backward.
Hissing in the woman’s ear, Xena snarls.
XENA
Not anymore he’s not.
The
woman turns and begins to swing a clenched right fist toward Xena, but is
stopped as Xena catches the fist with her left hand and begins to bend it
backward. The woman tries to push back
but is outmatched and starts grimacing as the pain intensifies.
GABRIELLE
If you’re smart,
you’ll know when to quit.
BIG WOMAN
Arrgghh, he’s more
trouble than he’s worth!
She
pulls back, shaking her hand out after Xena releases her grip. She looks Xena up and down, and then looks at
Gabrielle who is cradling Autolocus’ head in her lap, then back up at Xena.
BIG WOMAN
(Cont’d)
Let me know if you
want to dump the blonde.
As the
woman stomps off, Xena and Gabrielle shake their heads in disgust. Xena takes the water skin off Argo’s saddle
and hands it to Gabrielle. Gab gives
Autolocus a small dousing of water to wake him up then offers him a drink. He blinks, focusing finally on the two women.
AUTOLOCUS
Gab? Xena?
XENA
Well, at least she didn’t
mess up his memory.
GABRIELLE
Autolocus, what on earth were
you doing with that woman?
Autolocus
slowly sits up and assesses himself, groaning as he moves slowly to stand.
AUTOLOCUS
I wasn’t doing anything…
Xena
and Gabrielle look at each other and roll their eyes.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
No…really! I was just sitting in
there and having a mug of ale.
He
dusts himself off and grins wide.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
Guess she took a liking to me.
XENA & GABRIELLE
Oh, boy!
XENA
(Cont’d)
C’mon, let’s go inside and
find out the whole story.
CUT
TO:
INTERIOR
OF INN – EARLY EVENING
It’s
very crowded and loud with a lot of jostling and shoving going on. Xena, Gabrielle and Autolocus are sitting at
a table in the back corner. Xena is
surveying the rowdy behavior and the frantic actions of the petite bar keeper
as she tries to keep the customers happy and realizes that many of the
customers are not what one would expect in a sheep herding town.
GABRIELLE
I thought Amarice owned this
place.
One of
the young girls helping the bar keeper sets a round of mugs down at their table
and responds to Gabrielle’s comment.
YOUNG GIRL:
She does…but, she’s…
The
young girl looks up toward the sleeping rooms and Gabrielle becomes alarmed.
GABRIELLE
What? Is she all right?
Gab
stands quickly ready to head up the flight of stairs. The young girl puts her arm out and touches
Gabrielle’s arm.
YOUNG GIRL
Oh, she’s fine…she’s just…well
having
a tough time right now. That little baby
she’s carrying has been giving her a rough
time!
Gabrielle,
Xena and Autolocus look at the young girl in surprise, then at each other.
GABRIELLE
Baby? She’s going to have a baby?
Her note didn’t say anything
about a baby!
Gabrielle
looks at Xena who just shrugs. Xena
turns her attention to the young girl, reaching up and grabbing a bottle that
comes whizzing through the air. With a
nonchalant motion, Xena sets the bottle down on the table.
XENA
Crowd’s getting a little
rough. I thought Arman
is the Marshall here. Where is he anyway?
YOUNG GIRL
Oh, he got called out to
Cirrus’ place.
Someone’s been stealing the
sheep herder’s chips.
Autolocus
perks up at the sound of the theft. He’d
heard rumors from lesser thieves that there was a shit load of chips to be had
in this town but he was just beginning to realize the meaning of their words
and that they weren’t referring to dinar chips.
Cautiously he asks…
AUTOLUCUS
Chips? What kind of chips?
YOUNG GIRL
Sheep chips. You know…dried sheep dung?
Gabrielle
and Autolocus both make faces of disgust while Xena raises an eyebrow and nods
in affirmation as the young girl heads back to the bar.
AUTOLOCUS
Why would anyone want to steal
sheep dung?
XENA
It’s a very valuable commodity
in these parts.
And winter’s coming. There’s very little in
the way of firewood around
here, so the locals burn…
Gabrielle
begins to see the picture as she gets another whiff of the foul odor that
permeates the town.
GABRIELLE
That smelly smoke…that’s…
Xena
smiles as she sees the light dawn in Gabrielle’s eyes.
XENA
Yep…dungsmoke!
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
INT.
SLEEPING ROOM – EARLY EVENING
Amarice
is on the bed moaning. The other person in the room is by the
fireplace setting a cauldron of water to boil.
A loud
knock on the door makes Amarice growl.
AMARICE
Go away!
OTHER PERSON
Now, Amarice…just relax
The
OTHER PERSON turns away from the fire and walks to the door, opening it to see
Xena and Gabrielle standing there.
XENA
Talia!
Xena
grabs the woman and gives her a hug.
Gabrielle moves in and hugs her also.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Arman must really need
help if he called you in too.
TALIA
Oh, no…not me! I’ve hung up my
sword and taken up my mother’s
work.
Talia
ushers them into the room, closing the door behind her.
GABRIELLE
You’re a mid-wife now?
TALIA
Yes! And believe me…it’s much
more fun bringing life into the
world then sending it out!
Talia
looks at Xena and winks.
TALIA
(cont’d)
Safer too!
Gabrielle
moves to the bed and sits on it, taking one hand to move wet strands of
Amarice’s hair out of her eyes.
GABRIELLE
Hey. Baby’s giving you a tough time I hear.
Amarice
stiffens and forces a smile.
AMARICE
No…I’m fine! I’m strong ya know.
Just
then another wave of pain hits and Amarice goes white with it. Gabrielle steps aside to give Talia
access. Talia rushes to her side and
places her hand on Amarice’s stomach, feeling the fierce kick of the baby
inside.
TALIA
Ouch! That’s gotta hurt.
XENA
When’s she due?
TALIA
Not for a while yet….but that
little
guy in there really wants out.
Gritting
her teeth, Amarice reaches up and grabs the collar of Talia’s tunic, twisting
it tightly and choking her.
Xena
smirks and looks at Talia with a mischievous grin.
XENA
Safer, huh?
AMARICE
How many times do I have to
tell you…that’s a girl in
there!
TALIA
Well, like I said…bringing life
in is
better…but there are some
drawbacks.
Talia
gently reaches up and removes Amarice’s fingers from her clothing.
XENA
So, why the bed rest?
TALIA
Amarice had a little…accident.
Seems she tried to break up a
fight downstairs
and got tossed over a table or
two.
She started having early contractions,
but my mother taught me a
little
trick with ale so we got them
stopped.
At least for the time being.
XENA
Ah, that explains it…and the
pain.
Messed her back up, huh?
TALIA
Yep, and I just can’t get her
to
relax enough to ease the
spasms.
Xena
moves Amarice onto her side and jabs at two pressure points along her spine
providing instant relief.
XENA
That’ll help for a while, but
once the
time comes, I’ll have to take it off.
TALIA
Now that’s a nice trick I’d
like to learn.
Xena
and Talia walk over to the fireplace with Xena showing Talia how to hold her
fingers and points out where to touch.
As they carry on their conversation, Gabrielle moves back to the bed.
GABRIELLE
So…you’re going to be a mom
now.
AMARICE
Yeah, guess it’s too late to
change my mind.
Gabrielle
grins and strokes Amarice’s shoulder.
GABRIELLE
Well, I’m sure you’re going to
be a fine mother.
Amarice
looks up at Gab and nods.
AMARICE
Well, if this kid turns out
anything like me,
I’m going to need a lot of
help!
Amarice
becomes a bit more serious.
AMARICE
Gabrielle, Arman and I really
need
Xena and you to give us a hand right now.
GABRIELLE
That’s why we’re here.
Just tell us what you need done.
FADE TO:
INT.
OF THE INN - EVENING
Focus
is on a stern look on Gabrielle’s face at first then pans out to see her coming
down the stairs wearing a fur covered leather outfit, trimmed in feathers. The rowdy crowd looks up as she descends to a
series of cat calls and whistling. Xena
is on the balcony watching Gabrielle descend, a watchful eye on the crowd.
Gabrielle
pulls and tugs on the form fitting outfit that Amarice insisted she wear,
mumbling under her breath as she descends.
GABRIELLE
At least it’s not made out of
sheepskin.
As
Gabrielle reaches the bottom of the stairs a DRUNKEN MAN approaches. Xena stiffens, but Gabrielle looks up and
gives her a wait and see signal.
DRUNKEN MAN
Now, that’s a really fine
outfit you got on there,
but what’s with all them feathers?
He
begins to reach for the feathers around the neckline, but is stopped as
Gabrielle reaches up and slaps an iron grip on his wrist. She turns to the room eliciting more whistles
and cat calls. Clearing her throat, she
begins.
GABRIELLE
My name is Gabrielle and I’m
here
to help my friend Amarice who
needs
some quiet and rest.
(beat)
And, I intend to make sure she
has it.
DRUNKEN MAN
You look more like a kitty
that ate some poor bird!
The
crowd laughs and Gabrielle turns up the pressure on the wrist she is still
holding. He grimaces and falls to his
knees.
DRUNKEN MAN
(Cont’d)
Okay…okay…Miss Kitty…anything you
say.
He
pauses, looking up at Gabrielle who frowns at the name given her. Xena can be heard chuckling on the
balcony. Gab releases the drunk and
steps up on a bench.
GABRIELLE
All right, listen up! There’ll be no more
brawling or rowdy behavior in
here.
A large MAN with one eye and a long scar
down his right cheek enters and stops just inside the door. He did not see Gabrielle take care of the
drunken man.
LARGE MAN AT DOOR
Or what?
Xena
comes down the stairs now wearing long leather pants, a purple tunic with a
leather vest over it, with a Marshall’s metal insignia displayed on the
vest. She’s exchanged her long sword and
scabbard for a shorter sword neatly slung on her hip opposite her chakram.
XENA
Or…you’ll make me angry and
you don’t want to see me angry.
Xena
walks over to the MAN, hiking up an eyebrow she pins him with a stare and curls
her lip in a lop sided snarl.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Got a problem with that?
Autolocus
moves across the room to where Gabrielle is standing. His smiles wide as he assess Gab’s outfit and
leans in to whisper.
AUTOLOCUS
Hmm, I think ‘Miss Kitty’ fits
you…
Gabrielle
narrows her eyes and stares back at him, causing him to straighten back up.
AUTOLOCUS
(Cont’d)
…Or, not. (beat)
Umm, how about I give
you a hand here while Xena
helps out Arman?
Gabrielle
nods and motions for him to slip behind the bar to give the young girl a hand
filling ale mugs. Gabrielle watches as
the MAN at the door appraises Xena, finally focusing on the badge on her vest. The entire room has gone silent watching them
also.
XENA
So, ya gonna behave while
you’re here?
MAN
I’ll behave any way I
want. It takes more
than a woman wearing a badge to
scare me.
He
reaches out to push Xena aside, but she stands firm, grabbing his hands as they
push against her shoulders. While
holding on, Xena pushes back and ejects the man from the Inn, releasing him as
he stumbles through the door and falls backward onto the hard dirt of the
street. She follows him out the door and
stands on the boardwalk, looking down at him, hands on her hips. The rest of the Inn, follows her outside, or
watches through the windows.
XENA
Then I guess you won’t be
coming in.
The
man gets up slowly, grabbing handfuls of dirt as he rises. He flings the dirt at Xena who instinctively
shuts her eyes so she doesn’t see him rushing her. Her hearing though, picks up his movement and
she reacts by doing a turning flip over him as he dives toward her. Landing behind him, she kicks him in the butt
as he dives grabbing the air where she was.
He lands hard on the boardwalk, sliding into the door frame. A loud crack is heard as his head hits the
jamb. At first he looks as though he’s
going to get up, then falls face first onto the floor boards. Xena dusts off her hands and looks at the
crowd.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Anyone else thinking of
misbehaving?
A wave
of heads shaking causes Xena to smile.
She points to two of the men closest to the unconscious man.
XENA
(Cont’d)
You two take him to the
jail and lock him up.
The
sound of a horse galloping up to the Inn has her turn quickly around ready for
more action, but she relaxes as she sees Arman pull his horse up and
dismount. Arman watches as the two men
drag the man off toward the jail then joins Xena on the boardwalk. He has a serious look on his face.
ARMAN
Darius isn’t going to like that
you’re putting Marius in jail.
XENA
Marius, eh? So, that’s his name.
Who’s Darius?
ARMAN
His brother. He’s twice as big and twice as mean.
And my bet is they’re the ones behind
the thefts.
XENA
Then he’ll fall twice as hard.
Arman
looks at Xena and smiles. Glad to see her, he steps up and they embrace in a
hug.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Well, then I guess you should
fill me in.
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
INT. JAILHOUSE
- EVENING
The
front area is small with a table, two chairs, a rack of swords on the wall, and
a roundish fireplace (similar to a modern day southwestern chimnea with the
smoke stack extending through the roof) in the middle of the room. The fireplace separates the front of the jail
from the cell in the back. Marius is
lying on a cot in the one and only cell, still unconscious. Outside night is falling and the temperature
is dropping.
Arman
is tossing several dung chips into the small fireplace as Xena examines it,
walking around it and appreciating the radiating heat it produces.
XENA
Nice. I can’t say I’ve ever seen
anything with this design
before.
ARMAN
Thanks. I designed it myself.
It puts out a lot of heat with
just a little dung and the chimney
takes the fumes out along with the smoke.
XENA
Well, if you get tired of
keeping the peace,
you could probably do well with
this.
Arman
shrugs and then pulls out a chair and sits down. Xena joins him sitting in the other chair.
XENA
(Cont’d)
So, what’s the story Arman?
He
sighs and looks into the cell in the back, noting that Marius is still out
cold.
ARMAN
It’s been a really good
summer.
We had a bumper crop of lambs
this year,
good wool sales, and plenty of
dinars
made their way into the
herder’s pockets.
Then, as the weather started to
get colder,
the herders started to pile up
the dung for the winter.
Just as soon as they’d get a
decent pile together,
it would disappear before they
could haul it back
to their homes. Xena, these people rely on
that dung to get through the cold winter in
these parts.
And this year the Oracle said it’s going to be
a very bad winter.
This is normally a very
peaceful place.
But with all the thefts, people
are blaming
each other and getting into
fights.
Just the slightest thing sets
them off.
Xena
nods her head having seen the rowdiness first hand at the Inn and also knowing
that it was already too cold for this time of year.
XENA
So, you think that these
brothers, Marius and
Darius are the ones behind the dung rustling?
Arman
nods in agreement.
ARMAN
I don’t have anything solid to
accuse them.
It’s just a feeling I
have.
They’re the only herders’ who
haven’t
complained about their dung
being stolen.
XENA
Not too smart on their count.
They both
turn their heads as they hear Marius begin to waken.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Let’s see if we can get to the
bottom of this.
Xena
stands and picks up the key for the jail lock.
Arman follows her as she opens the jail door and leans over the groggy
man. As he blinks his eyes open, she
jabs him in the throat.
XENA
(Cont’d)
I’ve just cut off the flow of
blood to your brain.
You have thirty seconds to tell
me what
I want to know or you’ll
die.
(pauses for effect)
Now, who’s stealing all the
sheep dung?
MARIUS
(gasping)
I…I don’t know.
Xena
shakes her head.
XENA
Do you understand that unless
you
tell me what I want to know,
you’re gonna die in … 20
seconds?
Marius
nods, partially sits up and quietly gasps out.
MARIUS
I … don’t … know.
ARMAN
Is it Darius?
Are you afraid of him?
Marius’
eyes widen then he shakes his head slowly.
Xena jabs his throat to release the pinch, then shoves him back on the
cot and stands. They exit the cell and
relock the door.
XENA
Well, either he doesn’t know,
or he’s not afraid to die.
ARMAN
If Darius was my brother,
I wouldn’t tell on him
either.
Your pinch would be an easy
death
compared to what he’d do to
him.
XENA
Well, it looks like we’ll have
to go out
there and check out this
Darius.
Let’s get some dinner over at
the
Inn while we wait for it to get
darker.
CUT
TO:
INT.
OF THE INN - EVENING
The
patrons are fairly quiet as Xena and Arman enter. Autolocus is behind the bar and Gabrielle is
leaning against the bar fanning dungsmoke away from her face with an improvised
fan of feather quills.
Xena
approaches the bar and leans over to whisper in Gabrielle’s ear.
XENA
Why hello there, Miss Kitty…
Gabrielle
smacks the warrior with the handful of quills she’s been using to fan the
smoke.
GABRIELLE
Xena, this smell is really
awful.
How can these people stand it?
XENA
Necessity, Gabrielle. They probably
don’t even notice it anymore.
ARMAN
That’s right, Gabrielle.
You get used to it after a
while.
GABRIELLE
Well, it’s about to turn my
guts inside out.
Looking
up at Xena she pleads with her eyes.
GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Isn’t there something you can
do
to block the smell? Some pinch or something?
Like the sea sick thing I do on
my wrists?
Xena
sighs and places her hands along the bridge of Gabrielle’s nose, sliding her
thumbs down beneath her eyes and along the sinuses. She repeats the motion three times, each time
just a little slower.
XENA
There. Is that better?
Gabrielle
inhales deeply then smiles at Xena.
GABRIELLE
Wow…that worked. Thanks.
Arman
notices Talia coming down the stairs and he rushes over to her.
ARMAN
How’s Amarice? Has the baby come yet?
TALIA
Not yet, Arman…but soon, I’m
sure.
ARMAN
How’s the pain? Has it stopped?
Talia
looks over at Xena and smiles.
TALIA
Well, you can thank your deputy
on that one.
She used one of her ‘many
skills’ to stop it.
Arman
looks at Xena and nods.
ARMAN
Thanks, Xena. I owe you one.
XENA
Only one?
Arman
looks back at Talia, anxiously.
ARMAN
Is it okay to go see her?
I mean she was a bit…
XENA
Cranky?
TALIA
She just fell asleep, but you
can go on up
without worrying about having
your head ripped off!
Arman
bounds up the stairs and the rest settle at the table near the stairs. Xena fills them in on their questioning of
Marius which has left them without suspects in the thefts. They plan on
checking out their barn later tonight to just to verify Marius’ story.
AUTOLOCUS
Well, in my experience, you
have to look
at who would gain the most from the
thefts.
And, since the items being stolen
are not
necessarily something the thief
wants
to keep for himself, you have
to look at
who is willing to buy the
stolen chips.
Gabrielle
looks around the room and shakes her head.
GABRIELLE
Well, just about anyone in this
room
would fit the bill on
that.
Winter is just around the
corner and
they’re all going to need the
chips for heating.
XENA
Talia, you’ve been here longer
than we have.
Who do you think would be the buyer?
TALIA
Gabrielle’s right.
Just about everyone in this
room…
or in this town for that
matter, would be
willing to buy the chips to
make sure they
have enough for the winter.
XENA
Okay, we’re looking at the
obvious here.
Maybe we need to think outside
of the coliseum.
What else can sheep dung be used for?
GABRIELLE, AUTOLOCUS, TALIA
Fertilizer!
XENA
Right! But, there’s not much farming
going on in these parts. What else?
GABRIELLE
I remember when we were in
Indus,
the people there used dung
mixed with
other substances to paint their
bodies
for religious ceremonies.
TALIA
Ugh, bet that was an aromatic
experience.
XENA
I remember that too, but if
it’s used like that,
I don’t think the amount of
dung needed would
equal what’s missing. What else?
AUTOLOCUS
Hey! I’ve heard that some folks throw chips.
Maybe they’re some kind of
weapon?
GABRIELLE
Oh yeah…I can see it now.
Warriors slinging dung
chips!
Puts a whole new meaning behind
the people
from Chin who are always trying
to ‘save face’…
AUTOLOCUS
Or the saying: Holy sh..
Xena
shakes her head while the others break out in laughter.
XENA
C’mon! Let’s get serious here!
Gabrielle
covers her face with her hands, peeking at Xena through the spaces of her
extended fingers. When she recovers from
the laughter she sits up and speaks seriously as she remembers something from
the past.
GABRIELLE
Okay, I remember reading a
scroll when
I was at the Academy about how
the gods
made ambrosia from the foulest
items on earth.
What could be fouler than
animal excrement?
Maybe someone is trying to do that?
AUTOLOCUS
Make ambrosia?
Now, that would be worth
something!
XENA
Yeah, it would. But the bigger question is
who around here would have the
skills to do it?
(beat)
Arman, I think we can wait till
tomorrow to
visit Darius. And, I want to check the last
place where the dung was
stolen.
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
EXT.
DAYTIME - OPEN FIELD
Lots
of sheep can be heard off in the distance.
Xena and Arman are investigating the area where the last pile of dung
was reported stolen from.
ARMAN
Okay, this is the spot.
XENA
Are you sure? Everything
around here looks the same.
ARMAN
No, I’m sure. See that scrub over there?
That’s where I tied off my
horse.
Xena
nods, satisfied that they are really searching the right area.
XENA
Okay, now when did Cirrus
notice
his dung pile was missing?
ARMAN
Yesterday. I came right out here
when he told me about it.
I must have been out here just
about the
time you and Gabrielle showed
up in town.
XENA
Uh huh. And has anyone else
been out here since?
ARMAN
No, I don’t think so.
I told Cirrus to keep the sheep away
from here until I had a chance
to look
around better. It was late
afternoon and the
light wasn’t good enough to see
much.
Xena
walks carefully around the site, meticulously examining each blade of grass and
barren spot. She looks intensely at a
foot print in the dirt then over at Arman’s booted feet.
XENA
Pick up your foot for me.
ARMAN
Huh?
XENA
Just pick up your foot.
Arman
complies and Xena examines the boot print he left in the dirt and then
continues searching. Arman remains
standing with one foot in the air.
ARMAN
Xena?
Without
looking at him, Xena waves for him to put his foot back down.
XENA
Okay, I’ve seen all I want.
Let’s go back to town.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
DUSTY ROAD - DAY
Xena
and Arman are on horseback heading to town.
On the road back to Odorem, they’re met by a VERY large man on horseback. He has
the same facial features of Marius, but is larger and older. He stops his horse, blocking the
roadway. Arman whispers to Xena as they
approach.
ARMAN
That’s Darius.
He doesn’t look too happy.
XENA
Well, that’s just too bad then
because I’m not too happy
either.
DARIUS
Marshall I’m holding you
responsible
for the loss of my winter’s
dung.
ARMAN
What do you mean?
I didn’t take your dung.
DARIUS
No, but someone did and it’s
your fault.
You locked up Marius and he was
supposed to be guarding our
dung!
Xena
watches Darius intently, slipping Argo between Arman and Darius when she sees
him reach for his dagger.
XENA
Nah, that wasn’t Arman.
That was me!
Xena
slips her right foot out of the stirrup and kicks up at the hand holding the
dagger causing it to pop out of the man’s hand.
As it tumbles back down in the air, Xena reaches up and grabs it, pointing
it at Darius.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Not nice to point one of these
at your Marshall.
Either you want to spend some
time with
your brother in jail or you’re
pretty stupid!
Darius
is enraged at the insult and leaps from his horse towards Xena. Argo dances backward and allows Darius to
fall on his face in the dirt. Bobbing
her head up and down, Argo snorts then turns her head back toward Xena who pets
the horse’s neck.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Yeah, I thought so too
Argo.
He’s not the brightest candle
in the box.
Xena
dismounts and reaches a hand down to help Darius up. Arman slips off his horse and helps.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Look Darius, your brother is
in jail because he caused a
disturbance.
Do you want to join him or do
you
want to find out who stole your
dung?
Darius
stands and dusts off his clothes, sneering at Xena.
DARIUS
I want my dung back!
XENA
Good boy!
Argo
snorts and waggles her head again.
XENA
Yeah, maybe he is a little
brighter, girl.
Okay, let’s go check it out.
FADE TO:
INT.
EMPTY BARN – DAY
Xena
is searching the area while Arman and Darius stand at the door watching her.
DARIUS
What’s she doing?
ARMAN
Searching for clues, what else?
XENA
When did you notice the dung
was gone?
DARIUS
This morning. I came out to check on Marius
but when he wasn’t here and the
dung was gone, I rode into
town.
ARMAN
Then you came out looking to
blame me?
DARIUS
Yeah.
XENA
And no one else has been around
here that you know of?
DARIUS
No. No one.
Xena
takes one more walk around the interior of the barn, then checks around the
outside of the building. Arman and
Darius follow her looking at each area she examined and see nothing. Xena rubs her chin and smiles.
XENA
Okay, I’ve seen enough. Let’s go.
ARMAN
I don’t get it Xena. What do you see?
XENA
Nothing.
ARMAN
Nothing?
XENA
Yep. Nothing.
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
INT.
INN - LATE AFTERNOON
Xena,
Autolocus, Gabrielle and Arman are sitting at a table.
XENA
Okay, so that’s the plan.
The
three heads nod in affirmation.
Autolocus and Arman get up and head out.
Xena and Gabrielle are left at the table. Gabrielle notices Xena is lost in
thought. She reaches across the table
and takes Xena’s hand.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Hmm?
GABRIELLE
Where’d you go?
You’re off somewhere.
XENA
Hmm, just thinking there’s more
to
this than meets the eye.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.
GABRIELLE
What do you mean?
XENA
I can’t put my finger on it,
but something else is going on
here.
Xena
reaches up and gently strokes Gabrielle’s face.
XENA
(cont’d)
I’m going to go out and take a
walk through town.
Make sure everything is okay.
GABRIELLE
Want me to go with you?
XENA
No. No, you stay here and keep an
eye on things. I’ll be back in a little bit.
Xena
gets up and gives Gabrielle a reassuring kiss, smiling as their lips part. As she walks out of the Inn, Gabrielle
watches her, anxiety written on her face.
FADE TO:
INT.
INN’S BARN - NIGHT
It’s
dark outside and the barn’s interior is illuminated by the light of one lone candle
lantern.
Xena
walks over to Argo’s stall, opens the gate and steps in closing the gate behind
her. She reaches in the saddlebag and
pulls out Argo’s brush. Xena begins
brushing Argo. Argo flicks her head and
whinnies softly.
XENA
Hey, girl. You feel it too, don’t ya?
Argo
whinnies again and nods her head up and down.
Suddenly Xena stiffens and turns toward the open area of the barn.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Ares…
A
shimmering light forms into the god of war.
ARES
You know Xena, one of these
days I’m going to
sneak up on you and you won’t know it!
XENA
In your dreams.
Ares
walks over to the stall and rests his arms over the gate, grinning at
Xena. Xena raises an eyebrow in
question.
XENA
(Cont’d)
So, what are you up to this
time, Ares?
What would the god of war need
sheep dung for?
ARES
Xena! I’m hurt!
You think I’ve been stealing
sheep dung? Me?
He
laughs out loud as he enters the stall.
XENA
Well, there wasn’t a single
trace left
at any of the theft sites.
So you tell me who can come in,
take what they want, and leave
no trace?
ARES
Now, maybe I’d do that to
steal…
He
reaches out and kisses Xena, only to have her bite his lip in response.
ARES
(Cont’d)
Owww! Hey!
Okay, okay…but why sheep dung?
What in the name of Zeus would I need sheep
dung for?
XENA
Maybe you need a source of
ambrosia
no one else knows about?
So you could build an alliance
of
lesser gods to do your dirty
work?
He
reaches up and carefully caresses Xena’s face with his hands. Xena allows the gesture long enough to pin
him with a feral smile, he then pulls away sharply.
ARES
You don’t really believe that
story that you can
make ambrosia out of foul
ingredients do you?
Xena
just continues to stare at him, arms now folded across her chest.
ARES
(Cont’d)
Now, now, Xena.
Things aren’t always what they
appear.
You just may be in for a little
surprise…
and you may even like it.
XENA
Not if it’s one of your
surprises.
Ares
winks and blows her a kiss, then shimmers out of sight. Xena inhales deeply, turns back to Argo and
continues to groom her.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Well, girl it looks like my
hunch was right.
Ares is mixed up in this and I
don’t
think I’m going to like his little surprise.
Argo
snorts and bounces her head in agreement.
CUT
TO:
INT.
AMARICE’S ROOM - MID-MORNING.
Talia is
pacing the floor. Finally, a knock on
the door and it opens with Xena entering, Gabrielle following her in.
XENA
Water broke?
TALIA
Yes, about a candlemark ago.
Xena
walks over to the bed and smiles at Amarice and turns her on her side.
XENA
Okay Amarice.
I’m going to take off the pinch now.
You’re going to have to go
through
this the old fashioned way.
She
jabs the spots on her back that blocked the pain and as soon as she does,
Amarice groans loudly.
AMARICE
Arrgggh. By the gods, Xena!
Why can’t men go through this
instead of women?
XENA
If they did, civilization would
die out,
because no babies would ever be
born.
AMARICE
Where’s Arman?
He needs to be here for this!
GABRIELLE
He’s out with Autolocus,
setting a trap
for tonight. Don’t worry he’ll be back in time.
Talia
reaches down and feels the baby moving.
TALIA
That’s right Amarice.
There’s plenty of time before
that
little fellow…um, girl comes out.
AMARICE
But…it’s just mid-morning…
he won’t be here until tonight?
XENA
Yeah, that’s right.
You’ve got a long ways to go
yet.
Another
contraction hits and Amarice grabs the blanket in her fists and stifles a
moan. She looks up at Xena.
AMARICE
This’ll last all day?
Can’t you keep the pinch on a little longer?
Xena
smiles and nods at her in sympathy.
Gabrielle pats Amarice on the arm and Talia places a hand on her
stomach, keeping track of the contractions.
XENA
Sorry, Amarice.
Talia needs to keep track of
the contractions
and the baby has to do things on its own.
You’re a strong Amazon…you’ll
do fine.
Amarice
smiles and grimaces another wave of pain rolls through her.
FADE TO:
INT. INN
- VERY LATE AFTERNOON.
Another
scream reaches the patrons in the inn, sending the few remaining men out the
door. Xena and Gabrielle are sitting at
a table in the back of the room.
Gabrielle is dressed in her normal clothes.
GABRIELLE
Did the rest of the herders
agree to pool
what’s left of their dung?
XENA
Yes, but it wasn’t easy to convince
them.
The last load should be coming
in just about now.
GABRIELLE
Do you think it will be enough
to get the
thief to try to steal it from
the town barn?
XENA
Ares is arrogant enough.
I’m sure he’ll come for it.
GABRIELLE
You’re sure it’s Ares?
XENA
It has to be. What other god
would want or need ambrosia?
GABRIELLE
Athena?
XENA
Nah. She wouldn’t stoop that low.
An ear
piercing scream resonates through the building.
GABRIELLE
Think I’ll go up and see if
Talia needs help.
XENA
Sure you want to take a chance
going up there?
GABRIELLE
C’mon Xena, how bad can it be?
XENA
Okay, just remember I warned
ya.
CUT
TO:
INT.
TOWN BARN LOFT - NIGHT
Gabrielle
is rubbing her neck.
GABRIELLE
Oww, oww, oww.
XENA
I told you not to go up there.
GABRIELLE
Hey, I was only trying to give
her some water
when all of a
sudden…wham!...I’m in a neck lock!
XENA
Will you listen to me next
time?
Sighing,
Gabrielle agrees. Xena looks across the
loft to where Autolocus and Arman are waiting.
GABRIELLE
Are you sure this netting will
work?
XENA
Uh huh. Autolocus really earned his
title as the King of Thieves
today.
Getting that netting out of
Hephaestus’
workshop without getting caught was a work of
art.
GABRIELLE
Are you sure it will bind Ares
power?
XENA
No, but it’s the best shot we
have.
Xena
quickly holds up a hand in warning and the foursome hold their respective
breaths as they see a shimmering body begin to materialize on the floor
below. One finger went up, followed by a
second, and then on the third, followed by each of them releasing their portion
of the netting. It drifts downward
capturing the god below. Xena flips from
the loft to be the first one facing the god.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Aphrodite?
APHRODITE
Hey, babe.
What’s with the net?
She
tries to get out of it, but Hephaestus’ net holds her powerless. Gabrielle is next to arrive and is shocked at
the catch.
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, what are you doing
here?
APHRODITE
Hi, cutie. You want to have your
warrior babe let me out of
this?
Gabrielle
puts her hands on her hips and steps up closer to the captive god.
GABRIELLE
Not so fast, Aphrodite.
You need to answer a few
questions here first.
APHRODITE
Okay, but you need to hurry.
I have to get this last load up to Olympus
or the whole batch will go bad.
XENA
The whole batch?
So, I was right and Ares is
making ambrosia.
APHRODITE
Ares? Ambrosia?
No, silly…we’re making a
totally new potion…
it’s going to be divine!
XENA
Potion?
What kind of potion and just
who’s making it?
Aphrodite
frowns and pokes a finger out at Xena.
APHRODITE
Ya know, Xena if this delay
ruins it,
I’m really going to be upset!
Xena
rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest
XENA
Well, then I guess you better
just tell
us what you’re doing and with
who.
Aphrodite
shakes her head and sighs.
APHRODITE
Okay, okay…
Well, me and Demeter and Peitho
are making a new potion to help
women attract men.
GABRIELLE
And you need sheep dung for
that?
Autolocus
and Arman now join Gabrielle and Xena to hear this explanation.
AUTOLOCUS
Hey, all you have to do is
endow them a little better…
Gabrielle
slaps Autolocus in the stomach and he groans.
XENA
Go on…
APHRODITE
Rather than explain, I’ll show
you. Here.
She
reaches between her breasts and pulls out a small vial and sticks it out of the
netting. Gabrielle takes the vial and
carefully removes the stopper and puts it near her lips.
APHRODITE
(Cont’d)
NO! You don’t drink it babe…you wear it!
Xena
and Gabrielle lift one eyebrow at her and then cautiously both sniff the
potion, quickly turning away to get a breath of fresh air.
XENA and GABRIELLE
Whoa!
APHRODITE
Hey…we’ve worked hard on this!
AUTOLOCUS
Let me smell.
He
takes the vial from Gabrielle and takes a whiff.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
Hmm, not bad.
You may be on to something
here.
He
hands it to Arman who smells it and bobs his head agreeing, and then hands it
back to Aphrodite.
XENA
So, let me get this straight.
You need sheep dung for
this…potion?
APHRODITE
Well, yeah…we’ve tried other
stuff, pig patties,
bat guano, even those little
tiny rabbit droppings,
but the sheep dung had the best results.
You see you mix in a little…
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, there’s just one
little problem
with you using this town’s
sheep dung.
She
pauses while she gets Aphrodite’s attention.
GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
You see, these people rely on
that sheep dung
to keep them warm in the coming
winter.
They need it to heat their
homes and cook their meals…
and you’ve just about stolen
all of it, except for this last pile.
APHRODITE
Oh, ewww. They burn it?
Doesn’t it stink?
GABRIELLE
Well, yes, it does. But it’s all they have
to get them through the winter.
Aphrodite
lowers her head and frowns…then abruptly raises it and smiles.
APHRODITE
I didn’t realize they need the
stuff…but I can fix it for them!
FADE
OUT.
FADE
IN:
INT.
AMARICE’S ROOM - EVENING
A red
glow is casting a warm hue on the entire room.
There’s
a knock on the door.
AMARICE and ARMAN
C’mon in.
Xena
and Gabrielle enter the room.
GABRIELLE
Hey, how’re you feeling?
AMARICE
Great. Did you see her?
XENA
Yeah, Talia just showed her to
us.
She’s beautiful, Amarice.
GABRIELLE
What are you going to name her?
ARMAN
Well, we thought about naming
her Xena,
but one in the world is enough.
They
all laugh while Xena blushes.
AMARICE
And…we thought about Gabrielle
too,
but that wouldn’t be fair to
Xena.
So, we decided to name her
Terris.
Gabrielle
smiles and leans into Xena. Xena places
her arm around Gabrielle and gives her a squeeze. Talia enters the room with Terris bundled in
a blanket and hands her to Amarice.
TALIA
Wow, it sure is toasty in
here.
How did Aphrodite manage to get
Hephaestus
to make these for the whole
town?
She
points to the fireplace where a large metal and glass bowl glows with a
bubbling red substance.
GABRIELLE
Well, you know Aphrodite…she
has her ways.
TALIA
What did you say she called
these things?
GABRIELLE
Lava lamps.
They look at the bubbling metal and glass bowls once more, shrug
their shoulders and exit the room.
FADE
OUT.